Innovative Program with Over-the-Top Perks Designed to Attract and Retain Industry’s Top Talent
In a day and age where office perks are a dime-a-dozen, global marketing communications agency Allison+Partners is upping the ante on the corporate “perk off.” The agency is changing its long-standing company motto from “It’s About the Work” to “It’s About the Perks,” and introducing a series of enviable new perks for current and future agency employees.
“While we have long been proud of our popular employee benefits such as Workout Wednesdays, birthday days off and paid sabbaticals after only five years, the competition for talent inspired us to boldly go where no agency has gone before,” said Allison+Partners’ Chairman + CEO Scott Allison. “What we’ve landed on is not only breakthrough in our industry, but some of the best perks in the entire world, bar none.”
Allison+Partners’ new perks were sourced through active and purposeful googling of the agency’s competitors, aspirational targeting of companies we’re nothing like and general pipe-dreaming. They include:
Chocolate Fountain to End All Chocolate Fountains – A 6-foot-tall, 85 percent dark cacao nibs fountain enhanced with vegan collagen will be placed in each office to enable 24-hour dipping pleasure for employees. According to a newly released survey, 87% of workers indicated they are open to extending their workday by an additional two hours if bribed with chocolate.
Grapes on Demand – A duo of office assistants will float seamlessly from desk to desk to peel and feed employees grapes and fan them with oversized palm fronds while they work. It’s hands-free grape eating perfection! During a recent employee engagement survey, we found 98% of employees prefer grapes over every other fruit. We take these results seriously.
Sloth Therapy Room – Who needs puppies when you have fuzzy sloths in a sound proof room with classical music playing in the background!? While puppies have been scientifically proven to reduce anxiety by more than 80%, surveys have shown that cuddling sloths leads to over the top euhphoria in more than 100% of people.
Forget “bring your kids to work day,” we’re announcing Bring Your Kids to Work Every Day and equipping our offices with changing tables and branded diaper genies. Science has shown that crying can actually produce a soothing effect similar to white noise and beach waves, when it reaches a decibel equal to a dozen kids crying at once.
Remote Working Gone Wild – We’ll offer a once in a lifetime Mars employee exchange program enabling employees to work for six months from the fourth planet from the sun. Let’s face it, space is hotter than ever.
Staff manicures are so last year. As a pet-friendly agency, we are offering weekly manicures to the staff’s pets, custom nail art included. Pet manicures was the top #trending item on social media in the month of March.
We’ll replace the traditional holiday party with twice yearly, all-staff trips to the North Pole, reindeer rides included. While zero percent of adults still actually believe in Santa, let’s face it, we all want to.
Why should parental leave only be for actual parents? We’re offering parental leave when your work-wife or work-husband gets a new pet (reptiles included). A wise unknown and random person once said that “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” We believe it.
To save on commute time and maximize efficiency, we’ll introduce on-demand autonomous driving sleep chambers to take all employees to and from work. Studies by important people have shown that R.E.M. can best be achieved in autonomous driving vehicles.